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Hello, You're On the Air

Posted: February 3, 2000

Hello, You're On the Air
By Matt Kramer, columnist

Hi, welcome to "Don't Keep It Bottled Up!" where the wine elite meets to bleat. Hello, you're on the air.

Hi, this is Denise from Wooster, Ohio.

Welcome, Denise. What's on your mind?

Well, it's my husband. I don't know how to say this, because I've only just found out. I was going through his sock drawer. I wasn't prying, mind you, just checking to make sure that he didn't mix the black socks with the browns. He does that, you know. Anyway, I came across this magazine. And I don't know how to tell you this...

Just come right out and say it, Denise. You're among friends here.

Well, all right. Like I said, I saw this magazine and I just couldn't believe it! I guess I just have to say it: My husband is an enophile. I mean, I'd heard about this sort of thing before, but I never believed.

So what's your problem, Denise?

What's my problem? Well, I'm not sure he's the man I married. I mean, it's one thing for him to bring home a bottle now and then. I could even look the other way when he brought a case into the house. But an enophile! We have children. Is there anything I can do? I love my husband, but I'm not sure I can live with an enophile. I mean, other men aren't like that, are they?

Denise, if this is any consolation, you should know that there are women enophiles, too. Nobody knows the percentage of the population that become--or maybe always were--enophiles, but it's larger than you might think. And you might be surprised. They lead happy, healthy lives. They raise good children. And they do add to the economy. I'm sure that if you give it some thought, you'll realize that now that you know he's an enophile, you'll see that you're not losing a closet, you're gaining a wine cellar.

Hi, welcome to "Don't Keep It Bottled Up!" where the cork meets the dork. Hello, you're on the air.

Yeah, hello. This is Slade from Phoenix.

Thanks for calling, Slade. What's on your mind?

Not much. This is Phoenix. Heh, heh, heh. Just a little joke. Anyway, I was at a wine tasting here in Phoenix and some guy said he didn't like Zinfandel.


Well, isn't that un-American or something? I mean, I can understand not liking, say, white wines. Or French wines. But Zinfandel? Doesn't seem right to me. What do you think?

I'll tell you, Slade. Have you ever considered running for office? Of course it's un-American not to like Zinfandel! I myself have wondered about all those fuzzy Cabernet drinkers out there. Anyway, you're right, boy. This country was meant to be a nation of Zinfandel drinkers--even in places uninhabitable without air-conditioning.

Hello, welcome to "Don't Keep It Bottled Up!" where a magnum is more than a gun.

Hi, this is Suzy from Venice, California. I'm wondering how I could join one of those wine cults.

Wine cults? What sort of wine cults, Suzy?

Oh, I'm sure you know about them. A friend of mine, he's this movie producer, see, and he and his friends are in something they call the Lalou Cult. They are, like, really weird, but they dress well. So I was wondering if, you know, I could write away somewhere to join?

Suzy, I'll tell you straight. You sound like a nice person. You don't want to get involved with the Lalou Cult. It's really expensive and, frankly, their Hostess Twinkies aren't fully stuffed, if you know what I mean.

But I'm so sorry, we're out of time. Tune in next week, when our special guest will be Michael Broadbent discussing his latest tasting of 19th century Beaujolais Nouveau. In the meantime, remember, if you keep it bottled up--well, you won't have any friends.

This column, Unfiltered, Unfined, features the opinionated inside scoop on the latest and greatest in the world of wine, brought to you each Monday by a different Wine Spectator editor. This week we hear from columnist Matt Kramer, in a piece also appearing in the current Wine Spectator. To read past Unfiltered, Unfined columns, go to the archives. And for an archive of Laube's columns, visit Laube on Wine.

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