Unfiltered was pretty happy to put 2008 in our rearview mirror this New Year's. On the short—scratch that, rather long—list of people and things we would like to not have to hear from in 2009: A.I.G, Bailouts, Rod Blagojevich, Plaxico Burress, Citibank, Chrysler, Roger Clemens, Copia, Dow Jones, Pacman Jones, the Jonas Brothers, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Fortis, $4 a gallon, General Motors, Goldman Sachs, Bernie Madoff, Morgan Stanley, Recessions, Eliot Spitzer and Unemployment. Wow, that actually felt pretty good. We didn't really see much of this coming when we made our 2008 predictions this time last year, but that's not going to stop us from making another round of probably not-so-spot-on prognostications this year, and we think 2009 is going to be pretty good—there's nowhere to go but up, right? Here's our predictions for what to expect over the next 12 months.
• After failing to get President-elect Barack Obama to appoint a champion of sustainable farming to Secretary of Agriculture or White House chef, Alice Waters and the other food lobbyists will make even more strident demands, calling for McDonald's to serve only grass-fed Big Macs, mandating organic vegetable gardens in every American's backyard, and turning the entire state of New Jersey into a compost heap.
|"Eat your organic vegetables, kids!"|
• In 2008, Château Mouton-Rothschild announced that its 2005 label had been designed by Italian sculptor Giuseppe Penone. In 2009, the first-growth joins in Obamania by asking Shepard Fairey, the artist behind the iconic Obama campaign poster, to design Mouton's 2006 vintage label. Bottles adorned with the red, white and blue image of a sheep bah'ing "Yes we ram" become the White House tipple of choice.
• In an attempt to outdo Karl Lagerfeld's Champagne bowl tribute to Claudia Schiffer's breasts, designer Isaac Mizrahi will design a glass modeled on Scarlett Johansson based on his infamous Golden Globes red carpet groping of the actress. Undaunted, Korbel will commission Kid Rock to design an "American Champagne" glass modeled on ex-wife Pamela Anderson. Expect the glass to be oversized and lead to waking up with regrets.
• In 2008, the New England Patriots lost their bid to become the first undefeated champion since the 1972 Miami Dolphins. To the ire of some of Boston's blue-collar faithful, Pats quarterback Tom Brady's girlfriend, Gisele Bündchen, was spotted drinking red wine from an elegant crystal wineglass during the Super Bowl. Some Patriots fans thought it was a pretentious distraction for their star QB and could have led to their shocking loss. In 2009, the Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers will meet in an all-Keystone state Super Bowl. But Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb throws a game-losing interception when he notices Bündchen offering his famous mom a glass of red wine to pair with her Campbell's Chunky Soup in a luxury suite upstairs. Eagles fans blame Bündchen—as well as Santa Claus—for the loss.
|"I sure hope none of those wine reviewers practice gotcha journalism ... "|
• In 2008, San Francisco's Yield Wine Bar saw sales of the best-selling Palin Chilean Syrah plummet when Sen. John McCain named Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate. But with the tenacity of a pit bull with wine-stained teeth, Palin returns to Alaska to make her own wine from Alaskan grapes. (She can see the vineyards from her house!) Unfortunately, Maverick is already taken, and the project quickly becomes known as the Winery from Nowhere.
• Late in 2008, the Sunday Times of London suggested that Château Latour, the famous first-growth estate in Bordeaux, was looking for a buyer. In 2009, FBI tapes will surface of Gov. Rod Blagojevich attempting to sell the winery. His demands include a lifetime supply of Latour and a cushy pension as winemaker emeritus.
• Last summer it was reported that the Aston Martin of England's Prince Charles runs on wine-based bioethanol. In a surprising move, the CEOs of the Detroit auto industry's Big Three convert their Gulfstream private jets to run on bioethanol and begin producing grape-fueled affordable automobiles with zero emissions. The program is so successful that they return their bailout packages to the taxpayers. In fact, Unfiltered is so confident of all of this that we can tell you the exact date in 2009 this will happen, on a Wednesday, in very early April.
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