Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan revealed that the press room will be converted to a winemaking facility.

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White House turns to winemaking, Beaujolais Nouveau futures, and Australia passes critter-label law

Posted: April 1, 2006

• In a shocking reversal of policy, President George W. Bush has announced that the White House will not only be serving wine at state functions and other events, it will be making its own wine right on Pennsylvania Avenue. The wine will be made from grapes grown in Connecticut (though the labels will say the wine is from Texas), and the cellar will be built in the White House. "There's plenty of room," said new chief of staff Joshua Bolton. "We're just going to turn the press offices into a cellar." The modern facility will be equipped with large, industrial, diesel-fueled pumps. Though Bolton didn't specify which varieties will be produced, he could confirm that the only wine made in the White House will be red.

• All eyes were on Beaujolais this week as futures prices were announced for the 2006 vintage. Though no grapes have actually been grown yet, négociants were able to stroll through the neatly pruned vineyards and make their assessments. In lieu of barrel tastings—like those currently taking place in Bordeaux—the experts were able to examine empty tanks, reportedly cleaned as recently as the 1994 vintage. Most merchants agree that 2006 will be one of the best vintages for Beaujolais Nouveau ever, with some futures prices reaching as high as $250 per bottle, and release prices clocking in anywhere up to $450. "I am very excited by the quality of the vintage to come," said one négoce. "I believe that the 2006 vintage will be even better than 2005, which was the best vintage since 2004." It is widely held that 2004 was the best vintage since 2003, which was even better than the best vintage prior to that one, 2002.

• Following in the footsteps of Spain's recent announcement that 11 of its wine-producing regions must use cork to seal wine bottles, Australia's government has announced that all wines produced in that country must feature animals on the labels. "Australian wineries, though well-known for producing products of exceptional quality, really only seem to sell to those dumb Americans if there's a frickin' kangaroo or emu on the label," said Prime Minister John Howard, who pushed for the new law. "Crikey!" he added. In response to the new law, Leeuwin Estate has announced that it will put a duck-billed platypus on its labels, and Penfolds will go with a dingo. The only concern at the moment, however, is that with so many Australian wineries and labels being produced, the continent only has a limited number of animals available to choose from. Howard, however, was undeterred, and encouraged wineries to think outside the box. "A winery could just as easily use Russell Crowe."

• Happy April Fools' Day!